Sunday, December 29, 2013

We're From The NSA And We're Here To Help

Found an interesting article everyone should read at Zero Hedge. The NSA's book of bugging goodness made it out and to cut to the chase, we're screwed.

The latest revelation from the biggest wholesale spying scandal since Nixon, exposed by Germany's Spiegel which continues the strategy of revealing Snowden leaks on a staggered, delayed basis, involves a back door access-focused NSA division called ANT, (which supposedly stands for Access Network Technology), described by Spiegel as "master carpenters" for the NSA's TAO (Tailored Access Operations, read more about TAO here). The ANT people have "burrowed into nearly all the security architecture made by the major players in the industry -- including American global market leader Cisco and its Chinese competitor Huawei, but also producers of mass-market goods, such as US computer-maker Dell.
What caught my eye more than anything was this:
The ANT division doesn't just manufacture surveillance hardware. It also develops software for special tasks. The ANT developers have a clear preference for planting their malicious code in so-called BIOS, software located on a computer's motherboard that is the first thing to load when a computer is turned on.

This has a number of valuable advantages: an infected PC or server appears to be functioning normally, so the infection remains invisible to virus protection and other security programs. And even if the hard drive of an infected computer has been completely erased and a new operating system is installed, the ANT malware can continue to function and ensures that new spyware can once again be loaded onto what is presumed to be a clean computer. The ANT developers call this "Persistence" and believe this approach has provided them with the possibility of permanent access.

Another program attacks the firmware in hard drives manufactured by Western Digital, Seagate, Maxtor and Samsung, all of which, with the exception of latter, are American companies. Here, too, it appears the US intelligence agency is compromising the technology and products of American companies.

Other ANT programs target Internet routers meant for professional use or hardware firewalls intended to protect company networks from online attacks. Many digital attack weapons are "remotely installable" -- in other words, over the Internet. Others require a direct attack on an end-user device -- an "interdiction," as it is known in NSA jargon -- in order to install malware or bugging equipment.
If you're an IT guy you know what this means. Everything you do to clean your PC, reload it, replace the hard drive, encrypt it, it doesn't matter. as soon as you connect to the internet they can read you. Even if you miraculously clean everything on your machine they've got you moving through the internet's routers.

Yeah, yeah I know. If you don't have anything to hide you have nothing to worry about. Of course it depends on who's judging you.

Source article:

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Why I Don't Like The Budget Deal

I am hearing talking heads on TV saying the budget deal is great because we don't have to face a government shutdown.  Here's why that is bullcrap.

1. The President is supposed to propose a budget as he is obligated to do in the Constitution.
2. The Congress then irons out a deal for the budget and pass one.
3. The President either signs it or Vetoes it and back to step to or the budget is approved.
4. We then follow the budget for the year.

The President has sent budgets to Congress which have been so bad not a single one has pasted.
The Congress (either through failures of the House and Senate, or just the Senate) have failed to pass any budget since 2009.

We don't need to celebrate this crap deal, we need to tell Congress and the President to FOLLOW THE CONSTITUTION AND PASS A BUDGET.  This needs to be done every year.

Just pretending to get along doesn't do squat.  No more spending "Deals" or "Continuing Resolutions", pass a budget.  It is your job!

Monday, December 09, 2013

Happy 20 Month Survival Jasper!

Today on "The Five" during the "One More Thing" segment Dana Perino celebrated her dog Jasper's 20 month birthday.  The rest of the cast complained this wasn't a "Real" birthday.

THE WIFE and I considered the possibility she may be celebrating because she has trouble keeping her pets alive for any length of time.

Is this the face of a murderer?
We tweeted Greg Gutfeld to try to confirm this, but there has been no confirmation.

We'll keep you posted!

Stay safe Jasper... Stay safe...

Thursday, November 07, 2013

New Star Wars Trailer Leaked?

Um... no, not really.

HT - Geeks of Doom

So Tired

I'm counting down.  I've turned in my notice at work and I am set to start my new job Monday after next.

But I'm tired...

I've been surprised at how relentless many employers are now.  It's not a case of can you do the job, it's can you do all of these jobs with an unrealistic expectation of success.

I have a case where a customer has done the equivalent of flailing their arms and saying "Stuff doesn't work".  They don't give details, they just complain "Stuff doesn't work."

I have another customer we identified an incorrect configuration on two weeks ago.  Yesterday the guy who was sent on site to help fix things found the same setting.  I told him we'd told them two weeks ago to change the setting.  I was told they were going to change it last night.

This morning they asked me what i found in the logs.  I asked what the results were of the change.

The customer is still "Testing" in their lab before rolling it into production.

My boss is asking me what is going on.  We have managers all over the place asking what is going on.  The customer is still angry that this isn't fixed.

But their own people refuse to change the setting we KNOW is causing problems.

My main complaint about my current position is I am the fall guy.  I am tasked with fixing whatever is broken, yet I have no authority to change anything or force anyone to do anything.  So this customer continues to sit on their hands and I keep looking at the same logs.

One more week...

Monday, October 28, 2013

I Am Amused

Thanks to increased visibility due to link love from some buddy sites I have been enjoying some of the spam comments which are attempted to be posted on the blog.  The lack of basic grammar and... well... English makes for humorous reading.

I'll have to start sharing the ones that make me laugh the hardest.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Intellectual Theft And Big Fur Hat

It's not unusual on the web for other people to use images and stories created by other people.  Common courtesy calls for a link back to the original author or creator or at least some recognition.  It is normal for people who create images to put a logo on the image itself so if a picture goes viral the original creator will get credit.  This is important because in the event credit or a link back is not given, the author can still reap the rewards of the image's popularity with traffic to their website (and by extension the financial rewards from the additional traffic).

Those of us who aren't "Established" don't make much in the way of cash.  An image going viral could provide a decent surprise check which can help cover the bills for our passion for a bit.  Needless to say, it gets annoying when someone not only doesn't link back, but takes the time to strip the logo from a created work.

Take for instance one of my favorite IAMFAIL strips I've made:

Yeah, nothing special to it, I'm using Gonzo in a parody form and I thought the idea of him finding out he was a father while making breakfast (due to his relationship with his girlfriend Camilla) both dark and funny.  I liked it, so I decided to post it.  Please note the IAMFAIL logo and my name.  I don't mind people sharing it because a quick google search on IAMFAIL with my name will point them to my deranged corner of the web.
Now, if someone scrubbed my logo, my name, and possibly even my signature and posted this picture on their site, it went viral and they got lots of traffic because of it, that would not only be my opinion of theft, it would piss me off.
A guy I consider a buddy is BigFurHat over at and he recently went through a very similar situation.  He posted a photo at his site a little while back poking Obama in the eye over his handling of the Government Shutdown (tm).  He made this little dandy:
Note the iOwnTheWorld logo in the lower left corner?  Another site called Free Patriot found the image and modified it:
Notice anything different?  Yep, Fur's logo is gone.  There is still the credit for "mr. pinko.bfh" in the upper right corner, but that's much less noticeable that the original red, white and black in the original.
Note:  The modified image on the original post is viewable using the Internet Archive.
Fur complained to the individual running the site and was told it was a mistake by an editor and to his credit, restored the original image (although he was pretty dickish about doing it).  Fur continued to press the point based on the fact that the genie was out of the bottle.  The article had already been shared on Facebook over 87,000 times by the time of the correction.
What does Fur get because he complained?  They removes Fur's original image and replace it with an out and out THEFT of his idea by placing this image on their page:
Yeah, new Rushmore, drones instead of helicopters, new curtain.  Yeah, how about a wise-cracking bunny rabbit who eats carrots celery and gets chased by a hunter with a shotgun crossbow for a cartoon idea?
Fur's prediction?  Sure enough, this popped up on Snopes:

 And then...
Even worse, FOREXLIVE doesn't even PRETEND to leave any accreditation, they Photoshop out both the logo as well as the "mr. pinko/bfh".
Fur chronicled the exchanges with Free Patriot on this post if you'd like the whole story.  Long story short, he got screwed several times.
So why am I griping?  Fur shared a video I had put on my blog, has linked to a couple of stories I've blogged about or shared and has even let me put up a guest post over at iOwnTheWorld.  I did the happy dance when this little hole in the wall made the blogroll over there.
In short, he's good people and plays straight.  Seeing him get screwed makes me angry.  It isn't the first time, nor will it be the last for him.  Of course don't feel bad for Fur alone, FrankJ at got the same deal on this picture he made making fun of Obama and the 3AM call:

Go do a google search for Obama upside down phone and look how may variations you get.  It also landed on Snopes, but at least FrankJ finally got acknowledged for making the parody image.

Personally Free Patriot is dead to me now and so is FOREXLIVE.  I'm sure they'll be crushed by me never clicking on their links again, but one small step...
(You guys know I didn't come up with the "One small step..." thing right?  That was Neil Armstrong for the record.)

Saturday, September 28, 2013


My buddy, KT Cat over at The Scratching Post had a great write up on Miracles and his explanation really hit home:

When I hear atheists talk about there being no proof of God, I feel like I'm talking to a person who has never left Kansas telling me there's no proof that the Pacific Ocean exists.

"Dude, it's right here. I swim in it. I dive in it. One of our sons surfs in it."
"It's all explainable through science. You are only imagining it."
He's right, you can't explain the unexplainable.

I have a friend who was doing work in his attic years ago.  He made a mistake and fell, crashing through the ceiling and to the floor below.  His scull was bashed pretty badly and he wound up in a coma.  Doctors weren't sure he would ever wake up.

Then he did.

He opened his eyes up and began speaking to his friends and family.  He remembered who he was, who they were and was overall in pretty good shape.  He had some problems from the fall, but he was alive and could live normally.

He was a Miracle.

He's had a bad seizure recently. No one's sure what's going on, but everyone is concerned.  I wonder how people will react if God takes him home?  Will they be full of anger, railing against a God that can take a man from his wife and daughters?  Will they understand the Miracle?

The Miracle of a man that could have spent the rest of his life in a coma.  A constant source of regret and missed opportunities; or a man that had his appointment with death delayed for a decade so he could walk among us as a Miracle.

Death is not the end, but the next step in life.  We are non-physical creatures limited by the physical shell we wear every day so it's hard for us to release from our fears.  We fear the unknown and death is the greatest unknown.

But when you believe in Miracles...

Monday, September 23, 2013

Spiritual Attacks

Last week was a total crap-fest for me.

I don't want to share too much information, but work was a beat-down.  I felt ill at the end of the week, I had my umpteenth MRI and my back felt like crap.  Add on to that the normal stresses of life and I was ready to collapse.

THE WIFE who is always the wise one explained the spiritual warfare we were being subjected to.  I didn't get it and chose to wallow in my anger and self-pity.

Friday was a turning point.  We are the sponsors for our church's youth program and we planned a lock-in for the kids.  We played a great game called "Grog" which is a cross between Hide and Seek with Freeze Tag thrown in.  We ate pizza, drank soda, had ice cream and watched Nacho Libre together.

It was great.

I also had a few minutes with THE WIFE an a very godly woman who is our friend and like a mentor to me.  She asked me how I was doing.  I told her I had been under attack by the enemy and she explained how she knew it.  She told me how we would be attacked because of the work we were doing for God.

She's right.  I'm not a great person.  I'm trying to make God happy and live my life for Him, but it's easy to get knocked off track.  I took her message and felt much better.

Sunday my 16 year old felt sick at church and had to go home.  My oldest son ran him home and they discovered a guy we had opened our house while he was down on his luck was inside.  They called me and the guy split before we could get there.  He didn't get anything, but we're changing our locks, reinforcing the weak points and have the guns loaded if it comes to that.  I don't think he'll do anything to try to hurt us, but I'm not risking it.

The enemy fights dirty and we want to think of the battle as one we can win with our fists.  It's not, we win it through our work and our actions.  I'm in the battle and I'm not giving up.

Friday, September 13, 2013

The Collapse Of The American Dream In Animation

This sums up what I never understood about our economic system.  When you watch this think back to your youth.  I remember the 70's, 80's and 90's.  I remember when we were encouraged to save our money and how to wisely use debt.  When we only went into debt on our homes and cars.  When we had ONE credit card or two in case the place didn't take Visa and instead took MasterCard.  Even then the credit card was for emergencies.
I remember when we bought US bonds and our savings returned interest.  We have been fully converted to a debt-driven society and we are hurtling toward collapse just as quickly as our technology grows.

It's too late to stop what's happening.  Now it is just a matter of when the collapse occurs.

HT to Investment Watch Blog

Monday, September 02, 2013


Apparently Colorado has a new logo. Here was my submission idea which got passed over:

Apparently they have never visited nature like I have.

Who Do You Think Is More Manly?

I can't remember who I stole this from. I hope this doesn't mean Obama will order a drone strike on me.

Monday, August 26, 2013

The Scapegoat

A buddy of mine was teaching an Old Testament class and got to the part about the "Scapegoat".  We were talking about it and came up with a vision of a Far Side cartoon where the scapegoat comes back.

Here is my shameless ripoff of The Far Side.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Sometimes Things Just Don't Work Out

I decided to do a spoof of the Star Wars Episode I poster with Anakin casting a shadow as Darth Vader.

I decided to use Darth Tater and have him cast his shadow as an order of fries.

Yeah, good idea, poor execution.

Friday, August 09, 2013

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Buy A Shotgun - Crazy Uncle Joe

This is the best thing I've seen in a while.

I was perfectly happy with the beginning.  The rest was just BUTTAH!
A big thank you to iOwnTheWorld for leading me to this!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Stats Are Terrifying

The number one search result which points people to my page?


Nice to know where I stand in life. :)

Monday, July 22, 2013

Cell Phone Reunion

Shamelessly stolen from College Humor!

Windows Phone 8  couldn't make the reunion because he had to WORK!!!

Friday, July 19, 2013

Barry Registers To Vote

I was searching the dark corners of teh interwebz when I ran across this little tidbit at The PJ Tatler.

According to a search at the D.C. Board of elections using the search terms Barry Soetoro, President Obama’s date of birth and the zip code of 20500, a registered voter of that name is registered to vote at the White House for D.C. elections.  Barry Soetoro is a name that President Obama has used in the past.

Source article is here:

Uh huh... I said and promptly went to check for myself through the DC Board of Elections website.

Barry Soetoro, August 4, 1961, zip code 20500

Nahhhh, this'll never work!

Sure enough... it's real.  Holy underwear Batman!


Seriously my head is melting from the alien brain waves!!!!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Skillet - Sick Of It

I'm a fan of the band Skillet.  Not only do they just make some great rock songs they are also Christian.

I'm proud to say my daughter Sadie, THE WIFE and I are all unofficial Panheads.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Another World Gone Mad Moment

Zimmerman is on trial with people threatening to riot if he is found innocent.

Ed Snowden reveals we are being spied on by our own government and people are claiming he is a traitor.

Yet a terrorist who set off bombs and killed American citizens in the US has supporters chanting "Free Jahar!"

God have mercy on our souls.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

True Words

“If you let them do this to me and get away with it, then you’re giving them the eternal right to do the same damn thing to any one of you!”

Sunday, July 07, 2013

More On The Zimmermn Trial

I'm going to rant for another post about the Zimmerman trial. I am sick of hearing, "If Zimmermann had stayed in his truck none of this would have happened."

Wikipedia claims the apartment complex had over 400 calls to the police in the year before the shooting (7 of which were from Zimmerman).

From January 1, 2011 through February 26, 2012, police were called to The Retreat at Twin Lakes 402 times.  During the 18 months preceding the February 26 shooting, Zimmerman called the non-emergency police line seven times.

Imagine you live in a neighborhood (maybe you do) where the cops get called out over four hundred times in just over a year's time.

I don't blame Zimmerman for trying to see where Martin went. If that info is correct the apartment complex had MAJOR problems with crime and the only way to stop a place that is overrun with crime is to stand up to the crooks.

Martin was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, but for all the talk about if Zimmerman had stayed in his truck, if Martin had gone home instead of hanging around, he would still be alive.

Both sides made mistakes. Martin was the one that decided not to run when he had several opportunities to do so.

Thursday, July 04, 2013

The Zimmerman Trial

I'm expanding on a comment I left over at

BigFurHat wrote a post demonstrating the absolute stupidity of Michael Savage. If you'd like to read it I highly recommend you visit the site and do so. I also highly recommend you make the site a regular read.

So the gist of Savage's argument (beyond the nonsensical rant about Zimmerman being a racist) is Zimmerman was negligent because he had his firearm in a ready to fire configuration (one in the chamber with a full magazine). Had Zimmerman made the weapon not ready to fire, if Trayvon had to make the weapon ready to fire, Zimmerman could then have beat the snot out of Travon and everyone would be alive and well.

First off, you don't carry a weapon in a configuration to make it difficult to use, you carry it so when you FEEL you are at risk of GREAT IMMENINET BODILY HARM OR DEATH it is there for you to defend yourself.

You do not ever let someone take your firearm and use it on you.

Beyond the mindless, ignorant babble from Savage's lips, Zimmerman was getting hi butt handed to him in a fight. Why would any reasonable person think Trayvon would suddenly become a punching bag when faced with the intricacies of a modern firearm? (Hint, they wouldn't. Zimmerman would have continued to get his butt handed to him and possibly wind up eating 9mm of lead from his own weapon.)

Anyone who is getting CCL should take the time to learn the after effects of a shooting, the charges which are brought against people who defend themselves with deadly force and the litigation they have to endure. Carrying a weapon is not to be taken lightly and this trial is one more example of what can go wrong.

As for Savage, he made the mistake of speaking on a subject he knows nothing about. The pistol Zimmerman was using is similar to a Glock style pistol, so the safety mechanism is NOT PUTTING YOUR FINGER ON THE TRIGGER! There is no mechanical safety. Savage's whole argument that Zimmerman was walking around with the safety off is a straw man since the pistol does not have a mechanical safety as was testified.

Zimmerman's testimony is he was being beaten up, he tried to escape, he called for help and when he believed Travon went for the weapon, he drew and fired in self defense. The state has not proven his testimony is not true and correct and it is my opinion Zimmerman should be acquitted.

I would have hoped someone who had his own national radio show would take the time to actually listen to the testimony and know the facts before commenting on them and further inflaming a dangerously unstable situation.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Playing The Lottery

I have decided playing the lottery is a tax on those less fortunate.  Today I saw a guy take three tries to fill in enough numbers on his card to play.

Think that over, he's picking his numbers and three times hands the card back to the cashier without enough numbers.

I did get a picture of the guy though...

Friday, May 24, 2013

Dear Reggie (Volume One)

Dear Reggie,

It's been so cold here in Washington without you. I try to find enjoyment in the little things in the days to take my mind off of you, the blue skies, the birds singing, Joe riding his tricycle down the hallways... 

Nothing works; always my thoughts drift back to you.

Today I was so wrapped up in my daydream I didn't  salute the Marine outside the helicopter. I didn't even notice until Valerie smacked me on the nose with the newspaper. I quickly went to the young Marine, standing there so strong and firm. I asked if I could have a hug, but he insisted on a handshake. He said some crap about it "Being improper."  What the hell did I repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for?

Please come visit soon so we can go "Skeet Shooting". Afterwards we'll play some golf.

Barry Obama

Monday, April 15, 2013

A Noticed Change In Me

I hardly ever blog anymore.  For a while I thought it was because I spent too much time on Twitter, but then I noticed I hardly ever tweet anymore.  I thought facebook may be the problem.  I do spend quite a bit of time on there interacting with my friends, but I think it's actually apathy.

Yep, apparently I don't really care anymore.

I don't really draw cartoons anymore either. I also noticed I can't think back to the last time I found anything genuinely funny. You know like side-splitting laugh until your belly hurts funny.

I remember times like that. I can recall just a few years ago driving home and Russ Martin was on a tear about something and I thought I was going to wreck because I had tears streaming down my face and couldn't see the road.


I remember how old Richard Pryor records used to make be die laughing. He could make anything funny.

I miss that.

I don't draw, because I'll sketch ideas out and then come back to finish the roughs and ink them and they just aren't funny anymore.  I think, why bother?  It's a lot of work for a joke that is going to bomb.

My kids still enjoy coloring things I draw for them.  I just never get to it anymore.

I'm trying to decide if this is depression or not.  It looks like it may be, but I don't feel depressed.  I just don't really feel right now.

Maybe I can find an old Richard Pryor routine this afternoon and get some laughs.  I'd like that.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

I Is The Dumb And Dumberer Today


I hate it when I do dumb things and this one was a doozy.

I've been fighting an ongoing case for several weeks now.  Things have been extremely busy at work and we've all been going at it like gangbusters to get our work done.  Things are so hectic we have to throw some ideas out, read logs or network trace and then scramble to the next case.

It's a young man's game.  I'm not young anymore.

Regardless, the case I have been fighting with involved application sharing and slooooooooooow processing.  I tried network traces, perfmon traces, client traces... Everything I could think of.

Finally I had the customer break the clients down to a simple switch with only those two machines on it, with them in the same subnet and one connection back to the server.  It still was slooooooooooow.

What. The. Fishsticks.

So, I decided to beat my head against the wall this evening and try their antivirus program as invasive as I could make it on my lab to try to make performance suck.  IT STILL WORKED!!!!

What the crap?  How can their experience be so bad?  What could possibly be making that thing suck so hard?  What could be limiting the performance?  It was like the bandwidth was throttled down to nothing...

Ahhhhhh CRAP!

You may have guessed it by now.  In Lync you can limit the bandwidth you allow between clients in certain scenarios.  This is so you don't have Fred the Janitor hogging all the bandwidth with Sue in Accounting doing video chats when Mr. Big is needing to do his conference call with the shareholders.

My customer had limited the bandwidth for his clients through a policy.  A quick look back through the logs and I confirmed it.

"What took you so long to find something so obvious?" you man ask me.  It is all in presentation.  The description of the failure was two VERY specific scenarios.  I got so wrapped up in those, I didn't see the obvious point staring me in the face.

Never, ever, take anything for granted.  *sigh*

Friday, March 01, 2013

My Eyes Are Bleeding From The Stupid

When I work sometimes I'll listen to podcasts to pass the time (believe it or not, going through several Gigs worth of logs can be mind numbing after a while).  I've found a couple I like such as Better Off Undead (, The Self Publishing Podcast ( and The No Sleep Podcast ( which are on my subscription list.

I also enjoy listening to conspiracy stuff from time to time and I had one today that I finally deleted from my hard drive because I couldn't take the stupidity anymore.  It's The Hagman and Hagman Report (no link, they don't deserve it).

Live from Mom's basement!

Not only are they constantly going off the air because they keep screwing up their board and messing with things mid show (and blaming it on the government because they're getting the truth out) but the podcast I listened to today had a 9-11 truther on.  If you want to argue who was responsible for taking the WTC down or even if explosives were used, OK, fine, I understand that much. But this lady not only argued the planes hitting the buildings didn't take them down she argued the building was destroyed by some unknown technology which left no rubble, only dust.

Nothing to see here... Only dust... Move along.


The grand moment came when she talked about the WTC "Surfer" who rode the building down as FACT. A quick check of Snopes ( lists two guys who survived who weren't on the ground, but they were simply luck to not have been crushed and hardly "Surfed" the building. 

Adding to the masterpiece she attempted to reason that the seismic events weren't large enough to be from the collapse of the buildings, so they had to be disintegrated and my eyes stared bleeding.  She was using the FULL MASS of each building as a guideline.  The buildings collapsed in on themselves; the numbers she used would have been equal to the buildings "Jumping" up in the air and falling back into place.

Further proof Darwin was wrong because the gene pool should have cleaned out by now.  I proudly present them with "The Polished Turd Award" for this week!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Seriously Dog, No Means No!

I really like THE WIFE's little ankle-biter dogs. They are named Gizmo and Gadget and are a pair of Japanese Chins. Gizmo is the sweet loveable little girl and Gadget is the dumb as a hammer little boy.

Gizmo is a cuddler, she loves to climb up on you and curl up while you scratch her tummy.

Gadget likes to immediately barge in while you are cuddling with Gizmo and stand on you while demanding you STOP PETTING Gizmo and PET HIM NOW! He shoves his nose and paws in between Gizmo and the two legged love dispenser trying to intercede and hog all those lovin's for himself.

Keep in mind that when I'm laying on my back with a little cuddle dog on me, he is standing on whatever part of my body he can get a place. Chest, stomach, head...


You'd think a little dog that weighs nine pounds or so wouldn't be a big deal, but the little fart's feet feel like they're pushing through to my backbone while he stands there showing his nose into my hand...

and licking me. Ewwww. I HATE THAT!

There is one thing I've never cared for and that is being licked. Don't like it, no sir, not one bit. I've never understood people that will let Sparky or whatever they named their beast lick all over their face, hands and mouth.

Yeah, the one that really gets me is the mouth. Especially when people kiss their dogs on the mouth.

Why does that bother me so much?

...yeah, that ain't chocolate

So there these folks are practically French kissing their Asthmahound Chihuahua when the little dust mop has just gotten out of the litter box.

For some reason kitty litter must taste like sugar sprinkles on doughnuts because that mixed with the flavor of feline-processed cat food (ie: turds) is the dog food equivalent of meth. Yeah bring home some "Old Roy" dry mix from Wal-Mart and they'll look at you like you're rooting for the Browns to go to the Super Bowl. Drop a steaming hot cat turd in the floor though? Man, that's EATIN'!

Then the fur-covered turd munchers want to come and give ME kisses? On my MOUTH?

Oh heeeeeeck no!

I love you dog, but no means no.

Monday, January 28, 2013

The Phoneman Adventures - Episode 1

Years ago I worked on a team that installed a phone system for the City County Building in Knoxville, Tennessee. The City County Building is like the town courthouse of steroids as it held most of the city and county offices, courts, the city jail and also the independent public management department.

The important part of this story is the city jail. We always enjoyed visiting the jail for service calls, kind of the way we enjoyed visiting relatives who pinch your cheeks and reeks of scotch, Marlboros and cologne.

In short, we didn't.

It wasn't because we didn't like and appreciate the folks who worked in the jail. They had a tough job and did it well, we weren't particularly fond of the "Residents" of the jail. While filled with a mix of weekend drunk drivers, petty crooks and other various miscreants, the thing that bothered us most was we were there... 

With tool pouches...

You see, it's hard to do repair work without tools and although ANY knife would quickly be confiscated from a visitor to the jail, we were free to walk among the inmates with leather pouches filled with technician death swinging from our hips.

Screwdrivers, pinch tools, pliers, hooks, wire, snips etc... were our tools of trade and they all made wonderful weapons if used improperly.

The things which kept us in the proper frame of mind was our use of gallows humor to pass the days. We enjoyed razzing each other endlessly over our failures and problems. We also enjoyed telling each other the stories of our trips to the jail.

One story involved a group that ran a new phone line for the staff. When it came time to leave the guys were checking their tools to make sure everything was there. One of our guys named Curtis noticed he had a screwdriver missing. A quick look around didn't turn it up, so Curtis turned to the guard who was escorting them and said, "I'm sure it'll turn up sooner or later." The guard then replied, "Yeah, sticking out of our back."

Needless to say after a MUCH more inspired search the screwdriver was found where it was left, above a ceiling tile.

A second story involved a set of ladies who were mapping out the location and numbers of all the phones in the jail. One of the ladies realized she had forgotten to declare a small knife when processing in.

I need to clarify the term, "Knife" here. Knife paints a picture of a deadly killing utensil. This "Knife" was about an inch long when closed and contained a tiny blade, a tiny set of scissors, a tiny nail file and a tiny toothpick. We had gotten them as gifts from the company and they came on a keying. Most of us used them to clean our fingernails and occasionally use them as screwdrivers when wiring phone jacks when we were too lazy to walk back to our trucks for tools.

With that said, she tapped a guy on the shoulder and told him of her mistake. She held the teeny, tiny, itty, bitty knife in the palm of her hand to show him. (keep in mind the first story about out "Tool Pouches of DEATH" I just shared).

The man turned white, broke out in a sweat and then snatched the "Knife" from the lady's hand. He clutched the contraband weapon in his meaty paw, enveloping it in a kind of flesh container to protect it from seizure, and holding the meaty paw filled with tiny death high in the air, immediately marched out of the jail.

Yeah... drama...

Friday, January 25, 2013


Happy New Year!

Hey, how have you been?

Yeah, um, I know I used to write in this blog.  Yeah, I used to draw cartoons. I know they were kind of funny sometimes.

I take this moment to apologize to the folks that occasionally got a laugh or two over me losing my mind over irate techs, family insanity, poop and stupid cartoons.  I decided to change jobs two years ago and I went from using 10% of my brain and having at least 50% free time to using 100% of my brain. I guess I still have free time as I watch football... and... yeah, that's about it.

I have spent the last two years completely learning a whole new support system while working. In tech support you are supposed to be the guy with the answers. The larger the company you work for, the more true this is.

I am finally feeling like I kind of belong. I don't feel like total dead weight.

Like when my boss talked about how other companies would be excited to hire me, all I could think was he was hoping they would.

Anyway, I plan on spending less time being nice on Facebook, and more time being my normal, twisted self.

I hope you'll join me.