Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Bigfoot Sighting

While walking about and about Downtown Loserville I saw what appears to be a Bigfoot. Here is an artist's impression of the beast:

Apparently he was coming from Taco Bueno. He looks a LOT like my little brother.
Also, as a teaser (mainly because Justin is begging for me to give the full story) I will be blogging about the adventures THE WIFE and I had cleaning the oldest boy's room. He shipped out for Navy basic last week and we are readying his old room for the girls.

You will NOT be disappointed.

Monday, June 29, 2009

I Just Published My First Book!

Giggidy!

So anyway I decided to use Lulu.com so I wouldn't have to fight with agents, rejection, never getting a deal, etc...

Basically if people want it they can buy the book and have it sent to them bound and printed for $6.99 $9.99 or download it and print it themselves for less (I don't have the price in front of me... Preparation, yeah that's me.
edit: $3.75 for download.


So anyway, here is the link to download it? Dozer the Destructor.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Bathroom Humor

Sung to the tune of Jimi Hendrix's "Stone Free'


Stall three
I do as I please
Stall three
Where everyone pees
Stall Three
I've got to say
I've got to, got to, got to go poop today!

Sorry, had to get it out of my head... Enjoy!

I Am Being Lazy

I am such a bum.  I am listening to the radio and eating lunch instead of actually writing on any of the stories I have on the old jump drive.

I finished "Dozer the Destructor" and the illustrations, but found I need to reformat it in order to upload it to Lulu.  Once I get it uploaded I will probably run off a few copies to make sure they don't suck too bad before I release it for people to buy. 

Maybe I can make people do crazy things to get a free copy?  I wonder how many hot chicks read my blog and totally want so send polaroids so they can get a children's book for their kids?

Wow. It doesn't get any more trailer park than that.

Friday, June 19, 2009

My Little Twitter Storm

I am having a giggle over my little twitterstorm over a tweet I made this morning.


You think Obama is tough for killing a fly? Cheney has a BUGZAPPER!

I am being ReTweeted by people I have never heard of. Too funny! Take that Robert Gibbs!

----
Update:

I have added my whiteboard drawing which started the whole storm.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Suck It Mr. President! I Rock!

The world is enamored with the President of the United States casting his steely-eyed gaze upon a vicious fly and sending it straight to BUG HELL! Check it out!




So after watching that, I thought to myself I'm hungry he used his hand. Mr. Miyagi used a set of chopsticks.


I have overdosed on manly fortitude and for that reason my weapon of choice is...

A TOOTHPICK!


Oh yeah, who's your daddy?

Poor Andre

Due  to the current financial difficulties it has come to our attention we must cut back.  We have no alternative except to lay off Andre.
This is just too freakin' close to the truth NOT to be funny!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Boy Has No Shame

If anyone knows the father of this child, please let me know.  I only know it is NOT me.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Banned From A Landmark

My step-mom wanted to go visit the Mustangs of Las Colinas because she had lost her pictures she had from there years ago. We took a vote (in other words THE WIFE said we were going) and we set out on the adventure.

Arriving at the site parking quickly infuriated me as there was no parking until after 6PM. We drove aimlessly around behind the parking garage until we found a place I was pretty sure we wouldn't get towed from and the we marched around to the statues.


Obviously they are pretty impressive to see and since they are made larger than real horses they are easy to get around and view from several different angles. I have always been impressed with the way the water sprays to make it seem as if the horses are running through the water.

Anyway, while my step-mom and THE WIFE took pictures Christopher made a couple of observations. One of which was the horse had a boogie, the second was the Mustangs are anatomically correct.







Of course he had to take the obligatory "The Horse is Farting on Me" pose.


This is probably where the trouble started. I figure the man with no sense of humor security guard noticed us goofing off. The girls decided to dip their toes in the water and I did as well. (There were no fish to kill so cut me some slack). This led to the main problem as I saw a photo opportunity.


The water is only about two feet deep so I walked across to a rock by a group of the horses and struck a pose.



After much giggling and stupid mugging I was walking back to get my shoes when the man with no sense of humor security guard told me there was "No Wading."

He then told me I should be sure to wash my legs very well as they put chemicals in the water to make stupid people sterile where some day he wouldn't have to come yell at us idiots to keep the stautes from rusting and it might burn me.

I thanked him for his helpful advice called him a jerk under my breath and left.

Honestly they should post the rules somewhere. Like right by the entrace where we found them on the way out.

So Las Colinas loves me has banned me for life.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Not Sure With The Shinizzle

THE WIFE and I are digging around for things for me to do to ease my dependence on my PHONECO job. We figure it is only a matter of time before the AX finds me, so I am working to find things to do creatively rather than doing job stuff (IE Phone Crap).
Telecommunications is still a vital and lucrative field, but when you are trying to crap a square peg into every round hole (or worse whittling square pegs to round ones to MAKE them fit) you are creating a bunch of scenarios where it is impossible to support all those "One of a Kind" apps.
I think it is necessary for me to put my nose to the grindstone and work out some of this crap this weekend and demo what I can do in the way of shirts and such. We'll see what happens, maybe I will work out some give away for these things.
Also, please keep my buddy Van in your thoughts and Ms Yvonne's husband Captain Carl. Van is going it on his own and Captain Carl is still out of work.
Keep in mind, I am only griping about a job I stil have.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Bedtime For The Kiddos

Ben decided he was going to sleep in the girls room (sleepover-party-time-kinda-thing). The great and terrible malfunction tonight was Ben insisted he wanted to watch "Good Burger" with the girls. The Girls wanted to watch "Ariel."

"Ben," I said, "the girls want to watch either a cartoon or something girly. You should pick a cartoon."

Ben turned to Sadie and asked "Do you want to watch this?" Sadie immediately agreed.

Knowing this would immediately result in an explosion as Sadie had no idea what she was voting on I sent Ben on to sleep in his room and the girls on to bed watching "Peter Pan." I gave it one more shot and asked Ben if he would watch "Peter Pan" with the girls.It was met with a big "NO." (It's an Aspie thing, once his mind is locked in on one thing it is nearly impossible to change it.)

BTW. If your name is Marshall you might be a "BAD FRIEND." Of course if some people spent time with us and loved us, they might move up to "FRIEND EXTRAORDINAIRE!"

Sick As A Dog

My sinuses are about to explode. It's hot (summer has arrived). My Dad and Step-Mom are here and THE WIFE has decided to let me live despite my stupidity.

Thank you all for the concerns about my last post. I would also like to thank my friends who let me know about the bullitin my oldest child sent on his MySpace page. I have asked him to make sure EVERYONE isn't included when he sends scathing messages to people who are jerks in his life.

By the way, I feel I am loosing my touch by not giving funny drawings or TMI so.

BOOGER

You're welcome.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Idiot!

Well, I am officially an idiot. Only an idiot could finally lose his temper and snap at his wife during the graduation of their oldest son.

The week had been horrendously stressfull as the oldest boy had flunked his economics final. I took off part of Tuesday and went with the Navy recruiter to see what we could do and was told nothing. He was not going to walk with his class.

The economics teacher went to bat for him and she and THE WIFE got him another try at it. He made up a lot of work, studied his butt off and passed. (Thank God).

THE WIFE's family has been in and a big family adds to big stress. My Dad and Step-Mom came in also for the graduation along with Andrew's biological father, grandmother, grandfather and uncle. Needless to say I have been a ball of stress. It built through this evening with the traffic, the fact that I didn't trust the directions the school gave (sorry when you are driving NORTH and they tell you to turn right that is EAST not NORTH as the directions said, but I digress). We finally got parked got in, the boy graduated, I didn't kill anyone and then THE WIFE asked where we were supposed to meet the boy. I told her at the EAST entrance. She told me that he would never find the east entrance, how would we find him?

I snapped. I shouldn't have, but I did.

I yelled that I was doing the best I could. She tried to say something else, but I yelled for her not to talk to me.

Yep, I am great. So now my wife doesn't have pictures of her and her son at graduation because I made her cry. I am an ass.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

A Selfless Act

Things are going on around the house I can't share, but I think (hope, pray) the bad stuff is under control. Since I have chosen to keep that private I will share something which made THE WIFE and I burst with pride.

At Ben's school the kids have the ability to earn "Dollars" for good behavior and accomplishments. Those "Dollars" are saved for the end of the year where the school has an auction and the kids get to buy donated stuff. Today was the day of the auction and Ben had all of his "Money" ready and this morning he went in and spent all of his money on one thing.

A football for his big brother Christopher.

He did it because it hit him his brother would probably like to have a new football.

He is now trying to find the ball needle and pump to make sure it is inflated before he gets home. This simple act of selflessness is the kind of thing that makes me so proud of my children and makes me so happy to be a father.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Sometimes Windows Suck

Usually not, but sometimes you see this:

Nothing like a nice storm front rolling in to get the old "Pucker Factor" up to an eleven.

The Birth Of A Sweatshop

OK, so THE WIFE and I wanted to do something nice for Ben's class. This year his Aspie tantrums have been much better and everything has been manageable for the most part. His new school has made all the difference in the world and I would love to thank them and dance at all of their weddings, but alas I am a terrible dancer, so we settled for this:


That's right folks. We "Borrowed" Michigan J. Frog from Warner Brothers and made a batch of shirts. (and before the lawyers call we DID NOT CHARGE FOR THIS and we only made 20 shirts for the kids. Think of it as free advertising for you).

We were going to make a batch with me printing off the graphic and then tracing and inking each shirt by hand. Fortunately for everyone involved Ben's uncle Louie dropped the suggestion to try iron ons. A quick trip to The Wal-Marts and BLAMMO! We had a graphic which once run through a mirror effect was printed, ironed on and ever so stylish.

Iron ons took me back. Now I am thinking we should start doing retro shirts with iron ons for some side cash? Starsky and Hutch, The A-Team, Battlestar Galactica style iron on shirts, but with the modern shows cast and stuff. I think I could even add the weathered look.

Anyone interested, let me know if the comments. Make up a request and I'll work up some graphics. This one got banged out pretty quick and I think it didn't look too bad. Here's a close up of the final product.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Stange Days

As the days count down until the Oldest Boy ships to the Navy things just get weirder and weirder. I was home sick today with some disease which makes me blow things the size of Hondas out my nose every time I go to blow it so I made myself useful doing nothing.

We have family coming in starting Wens for the graduation. Because of this we hope to look on the school's website and find Andrew actually graduates. If not, then it'll just be a moving out party instead of a graduation party.

So anyway, during my odd hours between blowing snot out of my nose and wondering if the boy would graduate, I found a guy I went to school with who is a registered sex offender now. I remember when we were kids in elementary school and we were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I said "Phone man." Todd said, "Registered Sex Offender."

I guess his job probably does pay more but really is there ANY mugshot which makes you look good?