Monday, August 31, 2009

What The Fishsticks Is That?

While parusing the local Wal-Mart a while back I noticed some of the custom cakes they had been making. THE WIFE and I try to hit our buddy Danita at The Cakery Bakery. She has a great eye and makes cakes that are as delicious as they are attractive.

Wal-Mart, not so much so. Lets examine, shall we?

OK the first entry is a little puppy. Very very cute.

Next is a ... Puppy? Furry Rat? I'm not sure, still cute, but ambiguous.
Uh... Now Ladybug(s)? I'm not sure one or two. Are they mating? Ewww!
And Finally!
It looks like a slug with salt poured on it. Were they going for cute caterpillar and just missed it? Were they going for Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo and just missed? I have no idea.
Was this the deranged love child of a Budwiser inbibed redneck who was in a rush to get back to watching the races?
What is it? Tell me in the comments or on twitter @Tots4Masses . I am afraid.... Very afraid.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Sad But True

A friend sent me the following information about being an aging musician.

Sadly, it is all true.

You're too old to play gigs when.....

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp.

2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.

4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.

5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your playlist.

6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.

7. You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.

8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.

9. You've dislocated your back jumping off the stage.

10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

11. One of the waitresses is your daughter.

12. You stop the set because your Ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.

15. You refuse to play without earplugs.

16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.

17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

18. Your gig stool has a back.

19. You're related to at least one member in the band.

20. You don't let anyone sit in.

21. You need a nap before the gig.

22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

23. During the breaks, you go to the van to lie down.

24. You prefer a music stand with a light.

25. You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.

26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.....

27. You buy amps considering their weight, not tone or cool factor.

28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar becaus they're younger than your daughter.

29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location ...

30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it

31. Your set list is danceable.

32. You think "homey" means cozy and warm

33. You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections

34. You're playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!

35. Most of the band members are a lot younger then you.

36. Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party...

37. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a sitter for the grandkids...

38. In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.

39. On all out of town gigs, you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.

40. You start listing your truss as a "business expense".

41. You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.

42. When you get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex Co.

43. When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day, your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!

44. Or .. you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday..

45. When the only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.

46. You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.

47. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to "turn up".

48. You call out the next song only to have someone remind you that played it 10 minutes earlier.

49. Your drugs are keeping you alive, rather than killing you.

50. You worry more about breaking a hip, than being hip.

52. Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.

53. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members, is foot talc.

54. You look at the song list you provide to clients and realize the last song you entered under your "top 40" category is Disco Inferno.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Secret To Tech Support

Lifehacker has completely blown the secret to tech support and troubleshooting.

Basically follow this flow chart and you will never have to call for help again.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Lucie's Big Day

Today is Lucie's first day of school! EVAH!

She starts Kindergarden and she was coming unglued she was so excited. I got to give her and Ben a hug before I left for work, so I hope they have a great day.

The Unemployed One is looking for a job still. Eviction day is drawing near. I have a day in my mind where the man/child goes out on the street and gets to stand at 7-11 every morning with the day laborers trying to pimp a job.

Otherwise I am just a little grumpy about life and work. I will share later, but right now I need to keep my mouth shut.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

How I Feel

I feel like I get this a lot.

Movie Review - Star Trek

Because I am a cheap old man and I have five kids I only review the 50 cent movies that everyone else has already seen.  This week the movie was:

Star Trek

Amazingly this movie had to things going for it right off the bat.  Number one, it didn't have Wiliam Shatner:
It also didn't have Will Ferrell
Immediately I felt my money was safe!
The movie was actually pretty good and I thought it was very well cast.  I liked the way they worked out the kinks and made a new story.  I especially like the green chick!
Eric Bana makes the best batcrap crazy man since Kevin Spacey.  I highly recommend it.
What's that?  Where's the humor?  Where's the funny?
Pthppt! How about some gratuitous nudity?  Fine then Click Here!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Sax Man

Here is one that THE UNEMPLOYEED ONE introduced THE WIFE too.  Jack Black is a genius.


Friday, August 14, 2009

The Jerry Jones Hairpiece Zapruder Film

I just heard about this.  Being a HUGE Jerry fan and all I had to share it with you!

I now have a restraining order against me.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

William Shatner Is To Blame

Much like Chuck Norris being all powerful and indestructable I had the epiphany when William Shatner and Guy Kawasaki caused The Bloggess's blog to crash that William Shatner is the cause of all things bad.

Much like gremlins and the destruction they cause Shatner is a one man wrecking crew.

You can follow the fun on twitter with the hashtag #williamshatner (assuming I don't get bored with it first).


William Shatner is the reason why you have a bad taste in your mouth when you wake up.
William Shatner moves your car keys when you sleep so you can't find them.
Socks disappear in the clothes dryer because WIlliam Shatner takes them when you aren't looking.
William Shatner caused your grandmothers cake to fall when you were young and you took the blame.

And so on...

You all can thank me for the warning later.

*By "Facts" I mean William Shatner probably didn't do these things.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

He Who Has Been Renamed

Well today is a day to celebrate! The man/child formerly known as THE OLDEST BOY has been renamed to THE UNEMPLOYED ONE (although I am sure he will be back to Captain Gloom when he gets a job).

BUT! That is not why we are celebrating!

THE UNEMPLOYED ONE has been accepted into college.  So if the financial aide goes through, THE UNEMPLOYED ONE will be attending college in a couple of weeks.  If not he will be going in January.

THE WIFE asked me to go and pick up a book of class listing, so I hopped in "Tha Love Machine"tm and with a cloud of blue smoke made the short trip to Las Colinas and got the schedule.  I have to say enjoying the views on campus, I think I may need to sign up and take some classes.

See for yourself:


uh... need to be careful about that google search... (whew)

Monday, August 10, 2009

Happy Birthday Lucie!

Hey all, Lucie turns five years old today and I wanted to see if I could get a bunch of people to wish her happy birthday.  If you don't mind please drop a comment wishing her a happy one.  She will get a big kick out of knowing people care.

Also, for everyone's amusement, a guy I went to school with posted our kindergarden class picture.  So here I am at age five.

I am in the third row from the front next to last on the right.  In between the blind blonde girl and the dark haired boy.  Yes, I look like Randy Quaid's character from Kingpin but IT WAS THE 70s FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Friday, August 07, 2009

From Hell's Heart I Stab At Thee

Suck It Will Ferrell!

You might have my 50 cents! You might have stolen 101 minutes from my life I will never get back, BUT getting THE WIFE to betray me was too much.

You're curly-haired cherubic charm may have won her over.  Or it may have been your cottage cheese buttocks (which you show WAYYY too often) I don't know.  All I know is you took my 50 cents and made a picture (a 10x13 to be exact, honestly, who sends a 10x13?) and mailed it to me.


THE WIFE hung it in a place of honor, on the fridge right by Sadie's colorings.

But last night I stumbled to my bed to dram of my beloved 4 bits and found this betrayal:

It's on like Donkey Kong!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

You Are Evil Will Ferrell

OK, so I have complained about what a stinker "Land of the Lost" was.  Well I got so angry I wrote a strongly worded letter to Will Ferrell telling him that I loved the "Cowbell Skit" but other than that, I was sick of looking at his semi-naked body and crotch in every stinkin' movie he has ever made.  Furthermore, he has now profited from my 50 cents and I want satisfaction.


You know what that curly headed crap-monger sent me????  This picture:

Yes... that is MY 50 cents in that picture.  I will have my revenge Will Ferrell.  I will have my revenge.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Wolverines... Again! (Kind Of)

OK, I saw X-Men origins (another 50 cent movie night) and although I can't say it was as bad as the Will Ferrell movie it wasn't great.

Let me go back to the Will Ferrell movie.   Have you ever walked out of a 50 cent movie?  Have you ever got into an argument with the manager of the theater because you wanted your 50 cents back?  Have you ever gotten into a fistfight with the manager because he was "Restricted by policy" not to give you a refund?  Have you ever felt guilty for beating up a skinny 16 year old kid because he was the manager of a 50 cent movie theater?

If you answered yes to any of those questions you should RUN to the theater and watch "Land of the Lost."  It is SUCK-TACKULAR!

Where was I, Oh yeah, the "Origins" movie.  Meh... Read Ms. Yvonne's post about Wolverine claws because it is much more entertaining.

As for Ralphie May, I am sorry to say, the show was not really that great.  Of course he pissed off THE WIFE right off the bat and I wound up leaving early.  She lost her purse and oddly enough the opening act (a nice man by the name of Gary Cannon found it and turned it in.  He was funny as all get out and taught me a valuable lesson. 

If you shop at Kohls or live in Mesquite, TX don't sit in the front row of his show.